We are now in 2019! What?! I have not posted a blog update since 2014 - that is quite a while. Years go by so fast, I can hardly believe it. When you are a child, it feels as though you have forever, right? Then you become an adult, get married, have children, and before you know it, you are looking back wondering where all the time went and how you got to be the age you are. I find myself in disbelief that I'm going to be 40 in less than 5 years. I don't even feel qualified to be 40! haha. But it is, what it is.
So many things have happened within the past 4-5 years. 2015 was my hardest year, yet. Though it pales in comparison to what others may have gone through, the truth is, I struggled that year. 2015 started off great. My husband and I decided we were going to become more active in our lives, do more activities that would bring us pleasure. We figured since we lived in basically paradise, where people typically vacation, why don't we pretend to be vacationers once in a while, too! Both our children were in school. Hubby was working nights, so we had the day time to ourselves. We went "mountain" biking on nature trails and kayaking at one of our local state parks. Mountain biking was quite a workout and took time for me to get used to it, but it whipped me into shape quickly. But, best of all, I was spending quality time with my husband.
Life started to take a crazy turn, thereafter. In April, my brother's dog was hit by a car. I was so sad for him. I swear, it affected me hardcore for about a week. I had only met his dog once, when we went to visit in 2014. But, this was my brother's dog and my heart broke for him. We would go on our trails and my mind was just consumed with sadness.
We faced financial struggles in 2015, which led to us trading in our vehicles for one - a mini van. It wasn't like we couldn't get by, we just could barely get by. We had to be responsible adults and do what was right. At this point, I was working as a medical courier. I'd have to get up in the middle of the night and travel the interstate to a few towns over. And on Saturdays, I'd have to drive to Panama City and back. With both of us working, we were still struggling. So, I bawled all the way to the dealership to trade in the one car I had so badly wanted and loved. My husband, equally upset, because he, too, had finally had his green truck. I'm also going to just throw in that our marriage also wasn't well during this period.
In May, I was almost involved in a bad car accident. I believe God was with me this day, or my guardian angel. I was driving my route, in my "new" minivan, when I suddenly had a terrible feeling. I, then, looked into my rear view mirror and saw a truck coming over into my lane and was THISCLOSE to clipping my back end. It all happened in slow motion for me. I felt all of the hair stand on top of my head as I watched this truck take a 180 degree turn, just missing me, as he smacked into the concrete barrier. He came to a halt facing the ton of traffic that was behind us. Luckily, they stopped before hitting him. I did not turn around. We were between two concrete barriers, no room to pull off, and I had just went through a stop light. This was a very high traffic area and I really had no way of turning around. This haunted me. I wanted to know if the guy was okay. I know that help was called because there were so many cars behind us. I searched the internet for days to find something on it, but I couldn't. I was so rattled by it all.
Then in June, I was informed that a very close family member had cancer. I was devastated and scared. In July, I received a phone call from my mom that my brother had passed away. The same brother who had lost his dog just months prior. I couldn't believe it. This was the worst news of the entire year. My heart was broken. I didn't know what it would mean for our family. What would life be like without Mark? I was in shock. I just remember getting off the phone and laying on my bed in a daze. I can still feel it so vividly. How did this happen? I kept asking myself. He simply went to bed and never woke up. He didn't even know. At least, we were told that it was peaceful.
The next couple of weeks were spent making plans to travel to Minnesota for my brother's funeral. I kept hoping that this was a stunt and that he'd be alive when we got there. But who does that? Right? I would have taken it, though! When we went to his wake, all I could do was think, "wake up! wake up!" But, this was real. He was gone from earth.
In October, we were visiting family in Louisiana. We were heading to the Gumbo Festival, walking down a sidewalk, when my son tripped. He started crying and we didn't understand why, until my husband picked him up and saw that he had cut his knee straight to the bone.
The days that followed were so hard. He would wake up in the middle of the night, screaming that he couldn't handle the pain. He had tons of stitches, both internally and externally. Unfortunately, I can't remember the exact number. Maybe 10 externally and 15 internally? Anyway. It was a rough go for him. And it tore me apart seeing him in so much pain. When he returned to school, he was in a cast and couldn't do much. He had to sit with the teacher during PE and recess. When he wasn't hobbling around in his cast, he was being pushed in a stroller by his teacher. We were told there were no crutches small enough for him and we weren't offered anything else.
November came around, and it was my daughter's birthday. We decided to do a bowling party for her. She invited a bunch of friends, of which only 1 showed up. The morning before her party, I woke up with the biggest panic attack I had ever had. I went to the hospital that morning and on the morning of my daughter's party. I was in and out of ERs until the end of the year. I was having a mental breakdown. I was done. The year had did me in. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I was shakey all the time, I had stomach issues, I was in a constant state of panic. No one could help me, that was my reality. I was alone. I dropped 20 pounds in a matter of 2-3 weeks. But by January 1st, 2016, things were improving for me.
