Road to Acceptance

I have struggled for several months, mostly silently, about our move to England. These orders had literally taken over my life, and was affecting me in an extremely negative way. I ignored friends and family, put important things off which needed to be done, slacked on my duties of being a wife, mother, and friend, among other things. Whenever my husband brought up things that needed to be done in order to proceed in our move to England, I would get sick to my stomach and would become really irritable towards him and anyone else. Then you throw in his deployment and the problems I was having with my neighbors on top of everything I was dealing with emotionally to go to England, I was spinning downward fast. The picture included in this blog is of our dog of 6 years, Pebbles. I'm going to miss her dearly while we are in England.

Tomorrow, Cody will have been home for 4 weeks now. It has taken me 4 weeks with his help and support to get my act together, and get a new outlook on life. I am FINALLY on the right path, I believe. I find myself getting a little excited about our journey to England, and that is a whole lot more better than what I felt before.

This past weekend we went to Louisiana. It was a great escape from reality, until we would remind ourselves how much we are going to miss going and seeing the people we care deeply about. But, nevertheless, we had a really wonderful time. Hopefully, when we get back to the states in 2014, we can get orders back to Pensacola, so can be in between the 2 places where the people we love are at. Until then, we are hoping to meet some great friends in the lovely UK.

It has been a long, hard several months, but I think I'm finally on the right path to experiencing England.

A little over 2 weeks and counting.....

Disney World 2011

We have been wanting to take Hailee to Disney World. Over the years, our excuses not to ranged from her "being too young" to "we'll wait till...(before a deployment, after a deployment, when we have more money, etc etc)". Since our time in the states is coming to an end, and we are only 3 hours(tops) away from Disney, we jumped on the opportunity!

Cody and I decided not to tell Hailee about it until we were literally pulling through the welcome sign. She knew we had a surprise in store for her, but she did not know that it was going to be probably the BEST day of her entire little life. She could hardly contain the excitement as we drove closer to the parking lot. She screamed every time she saw a bus that said "Disney" on it.

The kids were SO good. We were the most worried about bringing Andrew with us. We weren't sure how he'd react to being outside all day, being in the heat with his eczema, riding on the monorail, rides, seeing the characters, etc. He did SO WELL. He loved the monorail, he snuggled with me on the rides, and he clawed Daddy when the characters got close to him. It was definitely hot, but I made sure he was well moisturized, and his eczema didn't flair. Thank goodness. He took one nap, at his normal time, but other than that stayed up most of the day. He even watched the 9pm fireworks. Once we put him back in the stroller to head back to our car, he was out like a light, though.

One funny thing about Andrew is that once we got close to the castle, I thought I'd let him walk a little so we could take pictures of him. Now, he never has fought me when it comes to walking. He usually holds my hand when he walks. But this time, when I put him down, he wanted nothing to do with me. He kept pushing my hand away when I reached out to hold his. Then he kept walking faster to get away from me. It was like he wanted to get to that castle, haha. He was so upset when I finally went to pick him up to bring him back to the stroller. I wanted to get a picture of him and I, in front of the castle, but he was not having it. Oh well.

We knew Hailee would be a trooper thru the day. She fought to stay energized towards the end of the day, but once we got in the car and started our way back home, she was out. She was exhausted. I think it was around 4 oclock she said, "Can we just go home and sleep and come back tomorrow?" hehe.

I have gone to Disney a lot in my life, and it(for the most part) looks the same to me. Sure, there are small changes here and there..but, it's still the same. (I'm referring to Magic Kingdom). But, the end of the day show was so awesome. They still have Tinkerbell "fly" out of the castle, but other than that it was different. I love how they "change" the castle into different variations of it. It seems so magical. The fireworks were awesome. It really gives you such a happy feeling, even as an adult. haha. Of course, until you turn around to head back to your car and have to fight the thousands of people.

All in all, we had a really great time at Walt Disney World. Another memory to keep in my mental memory book. I know it will be a day Hailee will remember for a long time! WELL worth it! :)

Tornadoes!

Yeah, I am terrified of tornadoes! I have never seen one, nor do I ever want to. I'm not sure if they have them in England. I have researched it, and I have seen that there has been some outside of London, but it doesn't seem like a common thing. This is just what I assume by the tiny bit of research I've done on the subject.

The tornado that ripped through Alabama a few days ago, was just absolutely devastating. I try not to dwell too much on it, and limit myself to reading about it because it's so sad. Last I heard, the death toll was at least 300 people. There is a page on FB which allows people who have found pictures and/or documents around their homes to post the files on the page in hopes to find the owners of the documents/pictures. I must say that looking through the album of all the documents and pictures found thus far, is so sad. I couldn't go through it for long. The pictures put faces to lives that were possibly destroyed due to this beast of a tornado.

Anyway. The reason I posted a blog about this is because I saw an article, which I found interesting, today that said this:

This month was so stormy that if you add up all the damage it comes out to the US being hit with the equivalent of two Hurricane Katrinas. The deadly Tuscaloosa tornado tracked from Mississippi and stayed on the ground an incredible 380 miles before it dissipated in North Carolina.

The old record for the longest tornado track was 219 miles in 1925 with the Tri-State tornado that started in Missouri and ended up in Indiana. That tornado was part of the deadliest tornado outbreak that killed over 700 people. The second deadliest tornado outbreak was this past week with over 300 fatalities and counting. These are statistics that do not lie. This will go down as the most violent weather month in US history bar none.

This tornado caused enough damage to be equivalent to TWO Katrina's? Wow. I was amazed by that. I'm also amazed that it lasted for 380 miles. I always thought tornadoes were short lived, but apparently they aren't. Although, it seems very rare for them to last so long as the last tornado that lasted a heck of a lot shorter, but still a long while, was back in 1925. It went for 219 miles, as the article above states. Amazing.

So, the remnants of this storm hit Jacksonville on Thursday. It seemed like we could have possibly had some bad weather, and it was supposed to get at it's 'worst' around the time I had to pick Hailee up from school. So I picked her up early, and of course..the weather wasn't bad AT ALL(thankfully). I probably looked like a nut going in and getting her early. However, it is better to be safe than sorry and I wasn't going to play around with any bit of a storm system that created that beast of a tornado a day prior to it coming here.

Picture Source: Wordpress.com
Article Source: http://www.firstcoastnews.com/weather/blog.aspx
FB Pictures/Documents Page: http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Pictures-and-Documents-found-after-the-April-27-2011-Tornadoes/162443980482277

More Blogging Please!

So, I'm trying to attempt blogging MORE. I really enjoy it, it allows me to release feelings and emotions. The problem I have is what should I talk about? For some reason, I have a hard time talking about my days. I like to blog about things deeper than that.

Tonight, as I sat down with a coke zero and some nutty butters(THANKS NICOLE, FOR LEAVING THEM AT MY HOUSE!:p), I googled "blog topics". I found a topic generator. It randomly throws out topics for you to use. So I decided to try it and I got "finding your soulmate".

Have I found mine? I believe I have. I don't think there is anyone in this whole world that could make me feel the way my husband makes me feel. I have a feeling of comfort and security when I'm around him. I feel like we fit together like a puzzle piece. He knows what to say when I'm feeling down, and I know what to say when he's down. I feel like we match each other so well, we never clash. I'm not saying we are perfect, I'm just saying I couldn't imagine life with any other person. I can see myself sitting in a rocking chair right next to him on our porch when we reach old age, watching our dog(s) and grandchildren playing. *imagining it* Yes.

Makes me think of that song "This", by Darius Rucker. As one of his lyrics go.."One little thing could have changed all of this".

I love you, babe! <3

Countdown Begins!

It's almost May, and we'll be England bound in June!

*sigh*

No matter what I do, I just canNOT prepare myself for this move. It's really taking a toll on me. I'm having a hard time handling my emotions toward this move. I don't know why I can't be thrilled, like many of my friends have been when their husbands have been stationed overseas. The only reason I can think is that I never even wanted to leave my hometown, let alone the state of FL, or even the USA. Darn that love thing! This is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. My preparation for it has completely sucked. I haven't gotten our passports done, and I haven't submitted our overseas screenings. It seems like every time I have attempted to do these things, there has been something that sets me back. I'm already emotional about this whole thing, so I get really upset when I try to take care of things and it can't get done for whatever reason at that time. So, I really feel as though I've given up. I have reached my weakest point.

My husband was supposed to be home at the end of March/beginning of April, but they have pushed his date back twice, and tried for a third time. Now when he gets home, we will have a limited amount of time to get all the things done that we need to. I just don't know. It's going to be so stressful, I think. His command's attitude has been "well you picked these orders", and it would be true, however, our options were England, Australia, and Japan..so..really..just because we picked to go overseas, doesn't mean we wanted to. England was our best choice.

I try to be positive, I really do. But, I have so many fears about this whole thing.

I woke up last night in the middle of the night(not the first time, and certainly not the last), freaking out about moving overseas. I just don't know how to handle it. And I'm terrified of planes, so that doesn't make matters any better. I don't know what to do. A part of me wants to go to England, but not for 3 years.

I just wish Cody could hurry up and get home so that maybe some of the stress that I currently have can reside, and I could muster up enough courage for whats next in our life.

Things That Make Me Happy

Since I wrote an unhappy blog yesterday, and I've been feeling unhappy lately, I figured I would reflect on things that make me happy!

So here it goes..and in no particular order..

-My husband, kids, friends and family of course!
-Crawling into freshly laundered bed sheets after a shower/bath
-Clean house/car
-Being caught up on laundry, and having it all put away
-Coke Zero
-Facebook
-QUIET TIME
-Army Wives on Lifetime
-Desperate Housewives on ABC
-Photography
-Being able to do Photography
-Massages!
-Getting my hair done
-Pedicures!
-Going to bed at night and sleeping till morning with no interruptions, which rarely happens for me.
-Sleeping in
-Flip Flops
-Wearing a new outfit
-Music, all different kinds..depends on my mood
-Shopping
-GYM!!
-Going to the beach without kids
-Having time alone with my husband
-Having time alone with each child(spending one on one with Hailee, and spending one on one with Andrew..which I currently don't get to do much with Hailee)
-Going out dancing
-Family time

And, now I'm stuck. I know there is a lot of other things, so I will just have to add to my list when I think of them.

That's it for now, I'm going to take advantage of what's left of nap time...

<3

I Am Not Happy

Time to take off the mask, and be real. I'm not happy. Yes, this is a military wife vent post, so if you are insensitive please go on with your life. I'm hoping blogging will help me feel better, but I'm not sure it will.

I am soo stressed out. I just don't think anyone but my husband understands. I just don't know where to begin. These past 3 years of sea duty has kicked.my.butt in many different ways. We thought after those 3 years, Cody would go to shore duty for 3 years, and I used that to get me through the past 3 years. Until last December, or so. We faced reality, and the decision to pick orders to either Japan, Australia, or England. There were no out tours in the states available.

After being away from Jacksonville for 6 years, I was really looking forward to coming back home, if not that, than going to somewhere like Ga. I have been homesick. I feel like I have missed so much. I never wanted to leave Jacksonville in the first place. But, you fall in love and..well, you know the rest of the story. So you can imagine my excitement for going overseas.

The choice between the 3, was simple...England. I have always wanted to go there. Not necessarily to live, but to visit. Nothing against England, I just miss home. I miss being close to family.

One of the hardest things I've had to do was give up our dog of 6 years. I get emotional just thinking about it. Yes, we are blessed enough to have a family member take care of her for us, but for 3 years? She's going to be old when we come back. And the void that is here without her is hard to bare. When I look at houses in England, and I see a big open yard..I get so sad. When I look at that, I want to imagine my kids and my Pebbles playing together. We are all a family. I am heartbroken.

This is just one of the many sacrifices.

The closer we get to our move, the more emotional I am. I am dealing with a lot as far as this transfer goes. And I'm doing it alone. I'm doing it while dealing with the stresses of a deployment. One in which they have changed his come home date 3 times now. They change it right when the time gets close. The countdown gets close to him coming home, and then BAM, they change it again.

I am emotionally spent.

There is so much more to this story, but it would be a novel and I really don't want to put everything out there. I'm trying to keep it short.

I'm just not happy.